


The observations of Noah Puckerman

by MsAshlyjudd8



Category: Glee
Genre: Multi, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-17
Updated: 2013-12-27
Packaged: 2017-12-23 20:15:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/930674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsAshlyjudd8/pseuds/MsAshlyjudd8
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Puck thinks Kurt and Blaine are an old married couple...until one day he doesn't. Now Blaine won't look at him and Kurt keeps glaring. What happened?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place sometime after "The First Time" episode. I don't own Glee or any of these characters.

Noah Puckerman was a badass; plain and simple. The ladies wanted to be _with_ him and the guys wanted to _be_ him; just like it should be. He walked the halls most days surveying the young sweet freshman girls. A well placed wink or a crooked smile and BAM…Puck had his next conquest. Noah Puckerman was a sex machine and anyone who said different, could say hello to his fist.

It was a normal day during the first months of his senior year that Puck’s world would be rocked to the core.

Glee club was one of those things that made him uncool by association. For the most part he kept out of the drama. Usually he parked himself in the back row of the choir room and exuded an air of boredom. The truth is Puck enjoyed the drama (not that he would let it show.)

Everyone in glee, at one time or another, was involved in some kind of drama or fight, With the exception of Bowties Magee and Lady Hummel. Kurt and Blaine were the old married couple of glee. They always sat together with their hair perfectly coifed; legs crossed, and perfect posture. They sang lovey duets and made googley eyes at each other. They were obviously virgins. Puck wondered to himself a lot, if they ever had sex if they would ever loosen up. Blaine, who looked like he had been plucked out of a black and white 1950’s sitcom and Kurt, who most days looked like he was dressed by a clown, were the most vanilla straight laced people he had ever known.

The day started off as normal as could be. Puck arrived to school a half hour late, and nonchalantly walked into his math class. He ignored the glare from the teacher as he took his seat  in front of Tina, and then promptly fell asleep on his folded arms. The same could be said for the other two classes before they were released for lunch.

Lunch time found Puck wondering the halls. He wasn’t in the mood to eat or leave campus, so he decided to wonder around and scare some freshman. He had just passed the science room when a muted banging sound rang out behind him. Puck stopped and turned, only to find the hall empty. He was just about to keep walking when he heard it again, followed by giggling. When nobody appeared in the hall he started to wonder what the hell was going on. And then…

“N-no Blaine…S-someone will…oh god,”

Puck stood frozen in the middle of the empty hallway. Kurt’s voice was coming from the Janitors closet.

“Blaine,” Kurt hissed. “You…you’ll get your jeans d-dirty. God…who cares just don’t stop doing that.”

The moans coming from the closet were loud, and puck had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing. He looked both ways down the hall before he snuck closer to the door.

“Please Blaine,” Kurt begged, “Please…faster…I need.”

Puck knew what a blow job sounded like, and if he was right, Kurt was about get a happy ending. He thought about quietly slipping away to let the boys have their fun, but what fun would that be? As Kurt’s moans grew louder Puck decided to have a little fun. He raised his fist and silently counted to five and then…

BAM! BAM! BAM!

“OW! Fuck!”  Came from inside the closet, the voice was Blaine’s this time. Puck grabbed the door handle and flung the door open with a huge smile on his face. Blaine, who was on his knees, sprang to his feet at the same time as Kurt spun around to face the inside of the closet. Blaine looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Well, well, well,” Puck laughed. “What do we have here?”

Blaine’s face turned 13 shades of red before he dropped his face into his hands. Kurt, who had been busy trying to stuff himself back into his tight jeans, spun around with a death glare aimed right at Puck. He leaned down and took the strap on both of their bags, handing Blaine’s to him. Blaine took his and with his head bowed, almost ran by puck and down the hall. Kurt took extra time to straighten his shirt and primly slip his bag over his shoulder. He then raised his head and looked right in Puck’s eyes.

“Noah, just so we understand each other,” Kurt started. “This stays between us and you get to keep what hair you have left on your head.”

Puck laughed as Kurt then raised his chin, and slowly walked out of the closet.

Puck didn’t say anything, but that didn’t stop him from smiling the whole way through glee. Blaine refused to look at him, and whenever Kurt did look at him, it would turn into a glare.  Puck just laughed. Maybe Kurt and Blaine weren’t so vanilla after all.


	2. Raspberries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puck goes to a sex shop to buy some new movies, only to find Kurt and Blaine there.

**Raspberries**

The second time Puck caught Kurt and Bow ties in a precarious situation, also turned out to be one of the funniest moments of his life.

It was a Friday night and Puck was home alone. Usually if he didn't have a date for the weekend, he would pull out a dirty movie from his collection and have some "me" time. But, after a quick glance at his DVD collection, hidden under his bed, Puck didn't find anything that got his motor running, so to speak. Ten minutes later he was in his car on the way to his favorite sex shop. The owner was a hot cougar, whose name was Sandra. She could usually be found in skin tight leopard print spandex, and a low cut top; her hair fiery red to match her lipstick. Puck was one of her favorite customers. She was always willing to help him find a good movie, while also giving him a nice view of her huge rack.

The parking lot at the sex shop only had one car; a dark green station wagon. Puck was pretty sure he had seen that car before, but didn't think much about it as he made his way inside.

"There he is," A husky voice said from the back of the store, where his favorite cougar stood, "It's been a while, I thought you had forgotten me."

Puck smiled as he made his way to the glass countertop display. The checkout counter was just a glass case filled jewelry, most of them used for piercings. "I could never forget a hot girl like you," Puck said with a naughty smile.

"Well aren't you sweet," Sandra smiled back, "What can I help you with honey? I just got a new shipment in yesterday."

"My movie collection is a little played out, thought I would come and see my best girl, and have you hook me up."

"Oh, I'll hook you up alright," she winked, "Just give me two minutes, sweetie, I need to find some flavored non-latex condoms for that couple over there."

Puck turned to where she pointed and promptly choked on his own tongue. Kurt and Blaine stood in their usual attire of tight jeans and bow ties, reading the box of one of the biggest dildo's Puck had ever seen.

"Evidently the tall one is allergic to latex, and the short one likes condoms that taste like raspberries."

Puck had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing. This was comedy gold.

"Have a look around sweetie, and I'll be back in a second." Puck nodded as she turned to go into the back room. Very quietly Puck slipped around the corner, and made his way to stand on the other side of the shelf where Kurt and Blaine stood. He stopped in front of a display of riding crops and nipple clamps to listen.

"This one has three speeds and its water proof," Blaine said, "so when we can't be together, we could use them while we're on the phone; or taking a bath."

Puck snickered quietly.

"I don't know," Kurt replied, "I've never used one alone. It's always been you using yours on me. What if I do it wrong?"

It took both hands covering Puck's mouth to keep him quiet this time. He couldn't breathe and his eyes were starting to water.

"Okay, boys," Sandra said, "I have good news and bad news. I found some non-latex condoms, but the only flavors I have are cherry and apple. But, I can put in an order for some, if you like."

"Thank you, so much," Kurt said, "But you don't need to go to any trouble for us. The cherry is fine."

"Oh honey, it's really no problem. I'd be glad to do it; especially for two cuties like you."

Puck was pretty sure they were both blushing.

"Give me a week and come back and see me. I don't usually get people allergic to latex, but I'm willing to bet you're not the only one. I really should order a better variety. Is there anything else I can help you with?"

After a moment, Blaine's voice was very hesitant, "Well, I have a vibrator that we use, but Kurt was thinking of getting his own…"

" _Blaine_ ," Kurt hissed, no doubt blushing bright red.

Sandra just laughed. "Oh honey, don't be embarrassed. I own a sex shop; I've seen and heard it all. Now, if you don't mind me asking, who are the top and the bottom?"

Puck actually whimpered behind his hands. This was the best day of his life; bar none.

"Well, we switch sometimes, but most of the time, I bottom." Blaine said.

Puck dropped to his knees, trying to control his shock and laughter. It's no secret that Kurt is a little…feminine, for lack of a better word. Puck always just assumed that Kurt was the "girl" in the relationship. Never in a million years would he have guessed that Kurt was the one to give it to Anderson.

"Okay, well since you don't bottom very often, I would recommend getting one about the same size as your boyfriend. You don't want to get something too big, if you're not used to it."

Puck got to his feet and wiped the tears from his eyes. It kept getting better and he was about to really lose it. It was time to have a little fun.

"I really like the one Blaine has, and this one is about the same size, so I'll probably just get this one unless…"

"Don't forget the condoms," Puck said, stepping around the shelf.

Kurt froze where he stood, as Blaine whipped around to see who was speaking.

"I hear the raspberry ones are really popular."

Puck smiled as Kurt screwed his eyes shut; his face flushing a ghostly white. Blaine stood, eyes wide, gaping at Puck. He seemed to be frozen in shock.

"I can't tell you how many times I have taken a bath and thought to myself ' _Why don't I have a dildo_?'"

"Ohmygod," Kurt mumbled.

The dildo and condoms hit the floor at the same time, as Kurt spun on his heel and ran; Blaine hot on his heels. Puck let out a full on belly laugh until he couldn't breathe, and only stopped when Sandra smacked him on the back of his head.

Needless to say, Sandra kicked him out of the store for being mean to his friends. Puck knew it wouldn't last, but left the store with a smile on his face.

Puck didn't tell anyone what happened at the sex shop, but the next day he couldn't stop himself from poking fun at the two. He stopped by the cafeteria to get a slushy before heading to glee.

"Hey everyone," he said to get everyone's attention, "They have a new flavor of slushy in the lunchroom," He turned to Kurt and Blaine with a smile, "its raspberry."

Kurt glared daggers at Puck, as Blaine started to choke, and then cough.

Best. Day. Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure to let me know what you think.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think.


End file.
